Parenting Out-of-Control Children/Teens

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My Asperger's Child

Isolating and Restraining a Child in Distress is Abusive

via Child in Mind:
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2012

Never leave a child alone during a meltdown

Controversy is brewing over the recent New York times op ed: A terrifying way to discipline children, in which Bill Lichtenstein describes his five-year-old daughter being held in a seclusion room at a Lexington school when her behavior was out of control. A Globe headline asserts in response: Account of putting pupil in isolation disputed. Of course I do not know what actually happened. However, I do know that a very commonly held belief among parents is that one should leave a child alone, or "ignore" him, when he is having a meltdown. Yet all of the best of developmental science tell us that this approach is completely wrong. read here

via New York Times SundayReview OPINION

By BILL LICHTENSTEIN
Published: September 8, 2012

A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children

an excerpt:

"Joseph Ryan, an expert on the use of restraints who teaches at Clemson University, told me that the practice of isolating and restraining problematic children originated in schools for children with special needs. It migrated to public schools in the 1970s as federal laws mainstreamed special education students, but without the necessary oversight or staff training. “It’s a quick way to respond but it’s not effective in changing behaviors,” he said." (emphasis mine) read here

I so agree!  It is cruel and emotionally damaging--it seems to me that using isolation and/or restraints are used for the adult's "benefit." It's not easy dealing with a kid who is 'acting out,' emotionally overwhelmed and/or behaviorally disturbed.  Behaviors serve a purpose; the purpose is invariably an attempt to have a real or an imagined need met. In the case of an imagined need, remember, it is a real need to a child; who is still learning how to identify what needs are...

Children do not develop emotional and behavioral difficulties in a vacuum.  Isolating and/or restraining children may be quicker; but restraint and seclusion are methods are not used for a child's benefit, but for an adult's convenience. In effect, it is choosing to be emotionally and physically abusive; in order to gain control of a child. As adults, we need to be helping children learn how to express themselves (by example); teach them respect by respecting them; and show them how important they are by investing the time it takes to teach them how to control themselves.  

Trauma, Brain and Relationship: Helping Children Heal via Beyond Meds

National Traumatic Stress Network 

Trauma Can Cause Symptoms of Mental Illness via Involuntary Transformation

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Trauma
Editorial, Charles L. Whitfield   American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4):361-364, May,1998.

Take Action for Children by supporting Legislation Restraint and Seclusion: Support Legislation to Protect Children

photo sinophobicpickl photobucket

Promoting Children’s Resilience: What you need to know!

New addition to the blog list!

via Colby Pearce: 

Promoting Children’s Resilience: What you need to know!
Posted on August 22, 2012


On a sunny autumn day David, who was four years of age, travelled with his parents to a local park for a picnic. Upon their arrival, David and his parents observed a scene replete with the recreational delights of lush grass, shady trees, warm open spaces and . . . . . an adventure playground. What happened next provides an insight into how David is likely to cope with adversity, and recover from it, throughout his life. In short, what happened next provides an insight into David’s resilience.

Adversity is a feature of the life of every child. It is present when a child is learning a new skill, on their first day of school, when they are negotiating conflicts and when their ambition exceeds their ability. Some children demonstrate persistence in the face of adverse conditions, whereas others shy away from adversity. Those who persist in their endeavours learn that adversity can be tolerated. Those who tolerate adversity and those who succeed in their endeavours under adverse conditions experience mastery. Mastery experiences are critical in the development of a perception of personal competence and capacity to influence personal outcomes. Mastery experiences under adverse conditions prove the famous words of the nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “that which does not kill me makes me stronger”.

Psychological strength, or resilience, is that quality of the child that enables them to persist in the face of adversity and recover from frustration and failure. Resilience strengthens a child and enables them to try new experiences and accept challenges. Resilience sustains a child through hardship and supports the realisation of dreams and aspirations. Resilience is critical to a child’s development and to them leading a productive, successful and satisfying life.

The promotion of resilience is a universal concern of adults with a caring concern for children. However, just as universal is the concern for shielding children from physical and emotional distress that can arise in conditions of adversity. These seemingly competing concerns can be a source of confusion and heartache for those who have the best interests of children at heart and have the potential to cloud their vision of what is in a child’s best interests. In this article I will explain how loving, nurturing and protecting children actually enhances their resilience.

My experience in working with children who have experienced overwhelming adversity in their life, together with my reading of what researchers and other professionals have to say on the matter, has led me to the conclusion that there are three key variables that impact directly on a child’s resilience; arousal, attachment and needs provision. here

From Colby Pearce's About Me page:
Hi. I am a Clinical Psychologist living and working in Adelaide, South Australia. I am married to Rebecca and we are the proud parents of three boys. I love being a parent to my boys and husband to Rebecca. Outside of work, I am a keen gardener, general handyman and avid follower of Formula One! I also enjoy reading, lifestyle documentaries and listening to music.

Rebecca and I work together in our child and family psychology practice, Secure Start®. We enjoy working together and make a good team. Rebecca runs the practice; I am the senior clinician.

I had to overcome a lot of adversity to achieve my qualifications as a Clinical Psychologist. I have referred to some of this in my book A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children. The adversity I experienced in gaining my qualifications has helped me to value being part of the profession. In turn, this has helped me through the tough times practising as a Clinical Psychologist.

I have taken a lot of knocks but have also had many experiences as a Clinical Psychologist that have been the source of pride and fulfillment. I feel particularly fulfilled about helping children overcome adversity and experience happiness in their life. I am also fulfilled at having played a part in assisting many parents and caregivers achieve a better life for themselves and children in their care. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to pass on my knowledge and wisdom to other Psychologists through teaching, training and publications. I look forward to an ongoing process of lifelong learning and sharing what I have learned with others.

Do you know the Blind Eye Effect?

Photo by Nuno Rebelo

"You know, the Blind-Eye Effect, where people seemingly ignore what’s going on right in front of them."
The above sentence is from a truly awesome post on the blog, Raising Good Samaritans in Kid Scoop on babble.com

  "To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle."  

George Orwell

Would you ask your teenager for advice?

Nathan almost 18 in 2001

I vividly remember my teenage years and I am more than a little grateful they are in the distant past.  There are so many things that kids today are aware of and get to learn to "deal with" that I did not have to.  But there are also things that are exactly the same I think.  Much of it is a matter of perception, and an ability to recognize similarities, not just differences.   There is a post in today's Psychology Today Blog, Parenting is a Contact Sport  which asks parents, if they have ever considered asking their teenagers for advice.  Reading it I was so very aware that the five things discussed are things I could have said to my own parents as a teenager.

I believe that much of the communication difficulties that I had as a teenager, were due to my own flawed perceptions; but at the time I believed it was everyone else's perceptions, (including my parents) that were flawed...as many have observed before me: hindsight is 20/20.

I have to share that I am also grateful my children's teenage years are also in the past.  One of my many proud moments was overhearing my eldest son at sixteen tell his friends, "I can tell my mom anything."  Don't get me wrong, the "teenage years" were not easy.  Life is a collection of moments, this is one I get to cherish.

via Psychology Today an excerpt:


"Have you ever thought of asking your teenager for advice?


"What?" You might reply. "Why would I do that? What could she possibly know about life that I don't know better?"


And here's the answer: herself. Your teenage daughter knows herself better than you can know her-what she feels, what she needs and what she'd love to have from you. And your teenage son may be dying to tell you about himself-if only you would ask the right questions, show genuine concern about him and be willing to listen to what he has to say.


Most kids want to have a good relationship with their parents, so it's our job to open the doors forbetter communication and be ready to hear what they have to tell us.


Here's what Vanessa Van Petten, one of the nation's youngest experts on parenting and adolescents, has to say. "Whenever I interview teens, I ask them one important question: 'If you could give me one piece of advice for every parent, what would you tell them?' Interestingly, their tips tend to be quite similar-highlighting the fact that most teens and parents do, in fact, struggle with the same issues. Here are the top 5 tips we hear from teens that they wish their parents knew."  Five things every teen...